Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
