you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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