This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
