the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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