At least make sure they are 18
Why
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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