can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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