I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
