Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
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My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
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He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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