You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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