never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
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We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
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I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...