she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
