Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
