the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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