It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
