I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
