Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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