Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
