you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
