sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
