i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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