is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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