I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You need a sexual gate keeper
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
