i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
