Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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