I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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