I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
