I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i now understand why vodka
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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