my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
