I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
