i wish my penis had a tongue
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
