I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
