Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
