my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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