I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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