Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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