I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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