got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
