i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
