Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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