I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
