Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
