i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The ass gains better be worth it
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
