My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
