Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
