Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
