Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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