I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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