can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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