how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
