Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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