no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
