if you like me you must not know who I am
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
