Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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