i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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