The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
