So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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