i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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