The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
