Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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