I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
