She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
