Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
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i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just puked most of my soul out..
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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