How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
