Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
