Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
