the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
