at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
