I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
