I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
